I did it.
2:16 AM - Thursday, May 12, 2016
I finally did it.
I finally managed to work up that courage to say the things I've been wanting to say to you after all these years. That felt really good. I don't care if the conversation with you will not last... but it is just so nice to hear from you again.
I was so touched that you went thru that trouble and bothered to ask your friend about job vacancies for me. It might not be much to you but it meant a great deal to me.
I honestly wish that one day, you'd come to me and talk to me.
When you feel like there is no one else you can talk to, I hope I can let you feel that I am and always will be here for you.
Am I hoping for too much... I'm not sure.
But right now, I'm just happy.
I'm happy that you've forgiven me.
I'm happy that you're my friend again.
I'm happy that you're happy with your life.
Anger
3:00 AM - Wednesday, May 4, 2016
The amount of things you have done to hurt me. I remember every single one of them.
Blackmail.
You were in my item. And you knew how important each and every dancer was to me. You took that to your advantage. You threatened me every time things didn't go your way or I didn't agree with you. You threatened to leave the item. I bowed down. I bowed down to your demands. I threw away my pride and ego or whatever that was left. For the sake of the other dancers in my item. But did anyone see what I did? You threatened me almost every day. You fought with me and found problems with me every other day.
Then when you finally decided to give that last threat, I dealt with it.
I showed that no one is indispensable. That I could replace you.
I slowly picked myself up again.
Then you got mad at me. You got mad at yourself. That this time, your plan didn't work.
You couldn't control me on your leash anymore.
I was not your dog. I was no longer your slave.
Threats.
You threatened to harm me. My family. Her.
And you sent suicidal threats as well.
And that was the limit. I guess you were one of the very few people who managed to reach that limit. Should you be honoured? Probably. Should you be disgusted at yourself? Extremely.
You tortured me. You put me through hell.
You broke me further than I already was.
You gave me materialistic things to make up for the wrongs you did.
Compensations.
Then you'd do them all over again.
During trainings, you insulted me. You insulted my choreography. You insulted my formations, my planning, my constant changes.
Everyone saw that I was struggling. They tried to give me strength.
You on the other hand, kept pulling me down.
You kept mocking everything I did.
After everything you've done, I thought I could never bring myself to forgive you.
But then I realized that everyone deserves a second chance. Sometimes a third. Maybe a fourth. Everyone has that redeemable quality in them.
So I decided not to stay mad at you. It was pointless.
Then you started stepping over my head again.
Expecting me to do more than just forgiving you. But to actually accept you back into my life the way it was before. Like as if nothing ever happened. You constantly asked me to go out. You expected me to treat you the way I treated you before. Like royalty.
Am I a joke to you?
You think you've done enough (suffer enough) to make me forgive you entirely and to accept you in my life once more.
I treated you as a backup plan, you say. To be honest, you should even be glad you are in my plans. Yeah I admit that this part is selfish.
But everyone around me thinks I am extremely stupid.
They scold me. They think I must've gone nuts because if you did to them what you did to me, they would've never been able to forgive you. And you'd prolly be away from their lives for good.
And you haven't known me enough to see what I am like.
I don't even care about my plans with my friends. I cancel on them when something happens. But I am always there for them when they need me.
But wait, why am I explaining myself?
You, on the other hand, just want to go out with me to try and brainwash me to thinking that you've changed for the better. But you have not. You haven't changed.
I believe you will one day. But I am sure it will not be anytime soon.
And these aren't even half the things that you've done to me.
But it's all about being the bigger person.
There is no competition in who is bigger. We all have our own opinions.
But in the eyes of everyone else, I can say that they are in my favour.
People can judge for themselves, I do not have to tell them anything.
Maybe you're right. I am childish. I never will stop being that way.
But I know this for sure, that I am true to myself.
And I will never let anybody, including you, change me and break me ever again.
I'm starting to slowly pick myself up again.
From the mess I've become.
Using these time that I have now to myself.
I'm slowly tryna find myself again.
I will become better...